CHAPTER ONE: BORN TO FIT IN, OR DESTINED TO STAND OUT?

Being the youngest of 4 daughters most definitely had its ups and downs, on the one hand you get loads of attention, and become the spoilt brat, seemingly always getting what you want, but what is it I wanted? I was way too young to share any of their interests and well, I can’t blame them for carrying on with their lives, whilst I wish I could grow a little faster, be a little older and also be their friend instead of just the annoying little sister. My childhood was, however, a happy one, one where I knew nothing more than being carefree, and being loved. But what does this love looked like, what did it entail? What did I think I have to do for this love?

Throughout my life, it became the norm for me to wear different hats, to hide the true me behind a mask. Laugh until you cry, cry until you laugh. This connection between two seemingly opposite acts, oddly enough live and grow off one another. When life consumes and drowns you, laughter may be the only temporary fix. Laughing is sometimes the only thing you can do in order to not break down in tears, in anger. To admit that you are in pain, that you need help is simply too difficult to do when all you want to be seen as is strong, unbreakable. Laughter & comedy, is a shield that people can put up in order to deflect concern from those who love them. There will be a breaking point, the longer you hold in the sins, the imperfections, the pain the worse this breaking point will be. There is only so long someone can pretend that laughing away their problems is a realistic method of healing. To truly mend your heart, your soul, you need to realise that the issues that bind you are not funny.

Behind the Mask ......... pretence? real?

The Emotion, does the outside reflect with the inside? Sad when you actually seem happy, or maybe happy when you seem sad. Your Face reflects the Phase you are in, or not? Have we all mastered the skill to show what is expected, controlled in a perfect pose. Some wants to be seen as the always happy chap, whilst others thrive on drawing attention by being sad, getting the attention they long for, even ….. if it is negative attention.

Does our FACES really reflect where we are at, or have we allowed external forces to determine how we behave and the outcome we desire.

So from searching for my identity in fake friendships, to having the perfect body, to boys, and eventually men, being respected having the high flying career, to maybe I am different and maybe I have missed the point and should be with woman, the daily search for Cornelius, for that missing piece to complete my perfect picture, to be accepted, to find my purpose, to find my true identity. It took courage, determination, love, hope, tears and a lot of heartbreak to accept the person I am, to learn to have grace on myself. No matter where I have been, no matter where I searched, I have now found a sense of home within the chambers of my own heart. I have found the missing piece in my perfect picture, and all along, it has been ME!

I have touched on my need to fit in and to be a part, but remember, if the return on your investment is too low, do not bankrupt yourself by keep on giving. See you in my next chapter, where I will open my heart a little wider for you to share. Remember, the wound only heals where the light shines in. Open your heart and feel, it is so worth it.