Chapter 2 continue: LETTING GO

Avoiding my pain has become easy for me over the years. I learned that by hiding my emotions and not allowing people to see that I am vulnerable, made life easier to deal with, or so I thought. My boundaries have become walls I carefully build over the years, not allowing anyone close enough to get to know the real me, the vulnerable me, because when I did, they would use that to hurt me or to get what they want. I started focusing on the external, either helping others, or working hard, and my shifting my focus, I could hide my pain. Letting go of what used to define my identity, my false beliefs, forced me to look inward to what I have avoided for years. Facing reality has been a difficult, but courageous journey. My heart has been broken many times, having to let go of people I love, dreams that would never materialize, my perfect picture of what life should be like, and instead of letting go, I held onto the hurts, losses, humiliation, grief, and so much more, I started locking all this into the chambers of my heart, allowing myself to hold onto and cherish people and dreams.

I want to share some of the letters I wr0te to things, people & places that almost destroyed me, just because of who I thought I should be, defining my identity.

Remember, this is my journey, I am taking full responsibility for what happened in my life, hoping that my story can give you HOPE.

Letter to Anorexia & Bulemia:

I struggled for most of my teenage years trying to fit in by how I looked, and by this developed an eating disorder and with that, an unhealthy relationship with food which I struggle with till this day, but it no longer defines me as a person.

Dear Anorexia,

I heard so much about you, and when I met you, I knew that we would be best friends. In the beginning you left me feeling quite hungry, but the results I got soon made me believe in you. I got totally hooked on you, you gave me confidence and I felt a sense of pride within myself. I was popular and finally got the attention I longed for.

Unfortunately my parents found out about my friendship with you, and I had to let you go. This is where my new friendship with Bulimia started. I was forced to eat under the watchful eye of my dad, but then my new friend Bulimia taught me how easy it is to get rid of the food. I saw how the weight fell off me and I loved it. It became an obsession to me not to put on the weight again and promised myself that I will never be fat. You stood by me and made sure I kept my promise to myself. You made it easy to keep my parents happy as well as keep myself happy.

I felt important and loved all the attention I got. Looking good was something I longed for, and it was finally mine. All of a sudden I was accepted by the in crowd and boys started showing interest in me. People admired me and wanted to be my friend.

From this moment on, I decided that how I looked was important and determined my identity. I became so consumed with how I looked and being accepted that nothing else mattered, not even myself. It made me a selfish, self-centred person whose needs became priority. This caused me to not have friends, to having friends and then push them away by how self-centred I was. Being thin no longer helped me keep my friends and I started doubting myself all over again. It left me feeling depressed and worthless. My motives to be a friend was pure, but believing that I could be one was distorted.

Dear Anorexia & Bulemia, I am so glad that we are no longer friends and that I can use the scars you left me with as a reminder of who I truly am, and who I am proud to be.

Goody-bye

Gerdi

I will share more letters over the coming week, allowing you to see how the small things matters and how unresolved hurts can withhold you from a life lived with purpose.